Cow Butchery

So the feedlot manager was a pretty wicked dude, regardless of his profession, and he decided it would be cool for us to go meet the mobile butcher. This butcher basically plays a stand in for the slaughterhouse when cows are too sick to move, too big to handle without surcharge, or causing too much trouble. He also does home jobs, for people who can't afford the slaughterhouse charges, or don't meet the quota for the slaughterhouse. The nearest kill plant is Cargill run, and if you don't have a couple hundred animals, they don't want anything to do with you. In steps Paul, in his all black outfit, with a massive gun. Paul is also the local butcher in town, so he not only slaughters and prepares the meat, he also ages it, and will even cut it into primal cuts and secondary cuts for his customers. His facility is much larger than the average butcher shop, and he spent a small fortune getting it off the ground. Thankfully, competition in the area is scarce. He is the only butcher shop for a couple towns, and the only area mobile slaughterhouse. We met him before breakfast, bright and early at his shop in Vulcan. Vulcan is a peculiar town, mainly famed for it's massive Star Trek conferences, and it's Star Trek discovery center. Trek fanatics don't abound in the local population, but they are taking advantage of a name to generate income for the town. It's weird. Paul and his wife opened their butcher shop 3 years ago. Butchery runs deep in both their families. She hasn't spent a day away from meat in her bloodline for three generations. Paul has a local farm kid working for him, who helps out with the slaughters, and learns the craft. After a quick run around of the shop and some breakfast, we hopped in the Astro and followed his truck/slaughterhouse to a farm near Champion, Alberta. Before you ask, yes, all the towns here have weird names.


The two owners of the farm, Joanne and Malcolm, had no idea we were coming. Under the circumstances, they were extremely welcoming, only asking once if we worked for the SPCA or something similar. Ironically, she used to be an inspector for slaughterhouses herself, so she knows what needs doing. Malcolm has been in agri-business his whole life, mainly doing retail. They have a heard of around two hundred head, all pastured and happy, and of many different varieties. On this particular joyous occasion, they were slaughtering two cattle for personal consumption and the joy of their friends and close family. One of the cows was a Scottish highlander, and apparently tastes absolutely different than all the other breeds. Paul backs his truck up to the pen, then shoots the cow in the head. His gun is a no fun and games 437. caliber monster. Needless to say, the cow is dead. If it's not dead, it is definitely unconscious, and he finishes the act with a pneumatic stun gun to the noggin before hoisting it up. He moves fast once it is up on the winch. I don't think I've ever seen someone process an animal this fast. It takes him twenty minutes to take a cow down into two portions. The whole process, two cows, four pieces, loaded into the refrigerated truck, takes under an hour.
Skinned, gutted and cleaned. Wild scene to watch him work. Unlike with the pigs we did in the Yukon, he doesn't hammer or saw through the ribcage. Cows are large enough that the guts will spill out when you cut up to the solar plexus, and if your careful and talented you can take everything out besides the lungs and heart without cutting bone. Maybe that's a little bit too visceral for some of you, but I thought it was a point worthy of note. Another worthy point is that they compost the head. After they did it the first time, we asked if we could have it instead. Sure enough, we now have a highland cow head mounted on the front of our truck, and are ripping across the country having a time of it. The flies are getting severe though. Joking, don't kill me, mom. All kidding aside, we took the cheeks and tongue and made an amazing meal, which I'll flesh out later (get the pun?). Anyways, this whole cow thing was quite the experience, and I'm so happy we were able to round out the trio of the most commonly eaten animals with cattle. These were happy, well aged cattle, almost 6 months longer than the average animal. This seems like not much, but to a cow it means the world, as it's like living an extra fourth of your life span. They will be kept at Paul's place for an appropriate aging period, then butchered up and sent wherever they need to be sent. It was a really educational experience, and Paul is a good, if quirky, dude. I wish both Malcolm, Joanne, Paul and his business the best of success in the future. I hope they keep showing people how it's really done, the downhome way.

After saying our goodbyes and thank yous, we decided it was high time we headed north again, Edmonton bound. Slept on the way and arrived late at a family friend's house. They're lives were about to change (over dramatic cliffhanger endings yield higher return viewings).